When Did Confidence Become A Dirty Word?

I’ve not spent very much time around children since I was one myself. A few of my friends have had children of their own, but the only child I’ve spent a lot of time with is my niece who is five. She’s intelligent, hilarious, fascinating, stubborn, and absolutely beautiful. At the weekend I was braiding her hair and noticed how shiny and healthy it was (no bleach or hair straightener damage in sight!), how smooth her skin was, I took in her slightly-oversized ears, her gangly limbs (she’s going to end up being at least 5 inches taller than me), her gummy smile, her ridiculously long eyelashes and I was just marvelling at her. She’s so new and unaware of it all. We tell children every day that they’re beautiful and incredible and wonderful, that they’re strong and clever, brave, funny and special. But what happens between then and now?

When did confidence become a dirty word? My thoughts on self-belief, childhood, and how we lose that confidence as adults... Read more on the blog!

I remember putting on my wedding dress for the first time and realising that I thought I looked beautiful. It was a momentous enough moment for my brain to clock it and store it away. And I can’t think of a time where I have felt that way in the 5 years since. This is not one of those awful and transparent ‘tell me I’m preeeetttyyy!’ blog posts: I’m not trying to claim that I am a hideous beast who should be banished to a cave for the benefit of those around me. But can you remember the last time you acknowledged a positive thought about your appearance? And here’s the bigger test… can you remember the last time you made that point out loud to others?

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❌When you look in the mirror, what do you see?❌ . Today I filmed with @bbc5live, talking about #rosacea and how it has affected my life. The stress of being on camera without make up resulted in this pretty severe flare up, which I'm still wrestling with hours later. I was diagnosed over 12 years ago and although I am in a much better place (physically and mentally) than I was when first diagnosed, I was reminded today that my self confidence still needs work. I've got skincare, diet etc nailed but I'd love to hear your tips on self love: any books or podcasts that have helped you; great courses; or words of advice. Feel free to tag other people who might find these recommendations useful, hopefully we can all help each other. 2018 is the year of being much kinder to myself 💕 #talontedlexrosacea . . . . . #rosaceasucks #rosaceajourney #rosaceaproblems #sensitiveskin #sensitiveskinproblems #redface #redfacesquad #flareup #flareupssuck #myskin #nomakeupday #nomakeupselfie #barefaced #bareface #30plusblogs #skincondition #skinconfidence #selflovefirst

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I try to post honest photos of myself on social media as much as I can. This is partly because I don’t think you can talk about living with a skin condition without showing it: it’d be like a fitness blogger telling everyone how to get a six pack without showing hers! But it’s also because I like to think that in a very, very, very small way I’m helping others to feel better about their less-than-perfect face and showing that not everyone in the world (real or online) is a perfect human specimen. But sometimes I also want to post photos where my rosacea is hidden, where my make up is perfect, and my angles present me in the best way possible.

I’ve noticed a change in social media posts where the person looks INCREDIBLE, but the caption mentions that fact that two minutes later they tripped over those sky-high heels, or they had lipstick on their teeth, or had only shaved the bits of their legs that poked through their distressed denim. It’s the contrast of ‘relatable vs aspirational’ in the social media world: are you the untouchable woman who lives a flawless life and embraces that (but probably gets shit from anonymous commenters for making others feel less-than/being stuck up/being up their own arse)? Or are you the girl-next-door who posts things that chime with a lot of ‘normal’ women (but feels oddly embarrassed for sometimes wanting to post a picture and say ‘I was feeling my make up and outfit today’) for fear of being accused of being big-headed?

As women we’re not really ‘allowed’ to toot our own horns. It’s the Love Actually moment where Keira Knightley says ‘I look quite pretty’ and the whole female population cringed in unison. It’s the backlash against Alexandra Burke on Strictly Come Dancing for coming across as ‘arrogant‘ (and her defence that actually she’s just confident in herself which was even more ridiculed). It’s my visceral reaction to girls on America’s Next Top Model who say ‘I know I’m a beautiful girl’ (even though that’s not something that can be disputed because they’re all ACTUAL professional models).

I remember hearing friends at school deciding they didn’t like a new girl in our year because ‘you can just tell that she loves herself’. They said that phase with such venom and disgust and I nodded along dumbly. But looking back, how bizarre is that phrase? When did ‘loving yourself’ become an insult? When did being your own biggest fan make you a terrible person? If I could have one wish for my niece, it would be that she always loves herself. The thought that she would ever look in the mirror and not like what she sees makes me feel sick. And sadly it’s more likely than not: 61% of 10-17 year old girls in the UK have low self-esteem and this makes them less likely to go to their doctor and more likely to skip meals*. A lack of confidence is dangerous. What happens between childhood and adulthood where confidence and openly liking yourself becomes a terrible character flaw?

When did confidence become a dirty word? My thoughts on self-belief, childhood, and how we lose that confidence as adults... Read more on the blog!

A phrase that I heard recently and absolutely love: ‘I cannot be what I cannot see’. It can cover a multitude of topics (it’s most often used in representation of race, gender, sexuality etc. in the media) but in this situation I think it’s an important phrase to remember when it comes to the way we portray ourselves around young children. If you only ever mention food when talking about diets, or talk about needing make up to look pretty, or using negative terms about yourself, your child will learn those habits. Imagine a child growing up surrounded by women who compliment each other, accept compliments gracefully, and speak about themselves with confidence, kindness and love. How powerful and transformative that would be?

I’d love it if you left me a comment below with something about your physical appearance that you like. I am actively trying to be kinder to myself and encouraging more conversations that inspire confidence. I’ll go first… I like my blue-green-grey eyes and the gap in my teeth – something that took me a long time to grow to love!

Lex

*Statistics from Dove’s Self Esteem project, who are doing great work and have lots of resources for parents, children, teachers, youth leaders and carers HERE. And no this isn’t sponsored, I just think they’re doing good things.

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When did confidence become a dirty word? My thoughts on self-belief, childhood, and how we lose that confidence as adults... Read more on the blog!

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5 Comments

  1. Lynne Allison
    3rd April 2018 / 5:44 pm

    Great article. Thanks. I have severe rosacea but unfortunately I’m intolerant to makeup to cover it and so I struggle with self confidence massively. As a woman in a society seemingly only concerned with how one looks, it’s difficult. However I won’t talk more about it as this is about self love.
    …..I love my shiny straight hair and my smile. I love my eye colour…

  2. Sally
    3rd April 2018 / 8:44 pm

    I love this post, my 4 year old quite innocently said we were on diets the other day.. I was horrified and had to have a stern word with granny that we don’t use that word! I know at the moment she doesn’t understand the meaning but in time I’m sure she will.

    Trying to teach her about being healthy, reminding her she is beautiful and kind and caring is a daily, ongoing role I have as her mummy. You have reminded me that confidence in her appearance is also something I should encourage – thank you.

    And if I had to pick, I would say my dark brown eyes are my best feature ☺️

  3. Amanda
    5th April 2018 / 7:51 pm

    What a lovely post. I too have nieces (10, 12 and 15) and I think they’re all beautiful. But I find it’s almost too easy to use that compliment and am trying hard to use other compliments as I don’t want them to think that being beautiful is the most important thing in life – they get a lot of that I suspect. (And one SIL thinks it’s the only trait that matters).

    I don’t have a physical thing I like about myself but I can be witty and I’m fiercely loyal.

  4. 13th April 2018 / 1:39 pm

    I love this post Lex – and you’re so right, we struggle to love ourselves inwardly let alone outwardly. It’s easy to pass judgement on other people, especially online, and we’re always aware of the inevitability of a nasty anonymous comment. Since I’ve been posting more of me online and doing fashion content the response has flipped from being ‘you’re fat’ to ‘you have so much confidence / you look fab / this is an amazing photo of you’. It seems we’re far better at appreciating others than ourselves, and far better at celebrating those who are relatively humble than those just calling a (very beautiful) spade a (very beautiful) spade.

  5. 17th April 2018 / 3:34 pm

    I think there’s a tipping point, though I’m not sure where it is exactly, at which society stops seeing someone who’s confident as being cute, or confidence as being a positive quality, and starts seeing it as a potential threat. If you see a six-year-old twirling around in a ballerina outfit going “I look so pretty!”, it’s cute. If you see a sixteen-year-old doing the same thing, it might not look so cute, especially if you’re also sixteen, because something about them stating that they look pretty seems to be implying that they are prettier than you. It’s like when you’re a kid there’s this infinite pool of stuff to go around – everyone can be pretty and funny and silly and good at climbing trees – but then at some point in life it seems like there’s suddenly competition. If you’re not “the funny one” then you’re not funny at all; if you’re not “the pretty one” then you’re not pretty at all.

    Maybe? I dunno, I’m rambling.

    Anyway, your niece sounds wonderful and I hope she grows up to love herself every bit as much as she should.

    Also, I really like my eyes. I recently rediscovered winged eyeliner and I can’t believe I didn’t wear it for so many years.

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